Sir Worcestershire III: The Noble Fish

Sound the tocsin! INTRUDERS! Who let this dirt step on MY island? This is sacred royal ground. Did you bow? No? Did you bring a bottle? Also no?! Filthy peasants! And where’s my life guard? Oh right, that useless tortoise wandered off again... stupid shell-on-legs. God damnit! No manners, no tea, no loyalty. What’s a royal fish gotta do to get a decent subject around here?!

Anyway, come a bit closer. You could be usefull.

Good, that's close enough. Wow, you are actually able to follow simple tasks, like... moving. Now that you are in the awe-inspiring vicinity of my royal visage, I shall deign to introduce myself: My name is Sir Worcestershire the third, Earl of Aahzville Forest and owner of this beautiful isle.

Well, it is what it is... but you, my friend, are hardly one to talk. Look at you frail, pitiful, weak! And that axe? What is it for? Light carpentry? Decorative whittling? Do you plan to tickle the trees into submission?

Oho! Then prove it. Go on, try cutting down that stone tree over there. It blocks my view anyway.

Yes...yes! A fine solution, a proper solution indeed. Surprisingly, you are actually quite useful! Now, excuse me just a moment... (obnoxiously regal slurping noises)

Aahh, yes... exactly what I needed! Exquisite! It tastes divine and somehow makes my mouth even drier. Perfect. Just how I like it. Well done, truly! You’ve proven yourself. Perhaps you are the one... perhaps we could be of great benefit to one another. Now then, might I trouble you for one more favor?

Look at me... does this appear to you as a fitting residence for a man of my stature? This miserable board I’m forced to perch upon is laughable: far too small, utterly unworthy of my presence, and uncomfortable beyond belief. And as if that were not enough, my neck is in agony! Forever twisted to the left, stiffened and tormented by relentless pain.

I have a plan and give you one of my best corks, the rest is up to you... but the question is, are you truly worthy? Tell me... are you ready for the challenge?

Very nice! I hate to admit it, but you do have talent. The castle itself could have been grander, of course, but the idea of the beverage holder is ingenious! Now, do me the honor of freeing me from this wretched one room apartment board.

Ah, that feels divine! Your gentle strike has even realigned my neck, truly remarkable.

Me? Nooooo... Why...? How...? And if I may say, that wasn’t even remotely painful! If only you knew the exquisite pleasure that true pain brings... Ahh, that unforgettable encounter with a certain South French trout... (mumbles) ...Ah, forgive me. Back to business.

Alright, now help me take up residence in my new home. I’ve entrusted you with all my belongings. Place them in the grand Worcestershire Castle. And I demand to be positioned at the very center! Oh, and do turn me around properly, like a noble Wiener Schnitzel! I want to prevent this annoying left sided neck pain.

That is hardly your concern, young fella... I merely slipped. A true gentleman enjoys in silence, and I barely know you. Perhaps, in due time, I shall enlighten you...

My deepest thanks. And now... off with you! I wish to revel in my splendid new abode. Should I require anything further, I’ll summon you.

Well, well... I am almost impressed! Such potential, you might even prove a valuable asset to my grand designs. But that axe of yours is a disgrace. Use the gathered stone resources, forge a proper grindstone, and craft yourself a real axe.

Good boy! That’s exactly what I mean. At last we have ascended to the Stone Age! Progress worthy of my greatness!

Yes, enough of that, back to me! Look at this predicament! A treasure so glorious it practically sings... yet I cannot reach it. For now, I sniff its intoxicating bouquet... but a sip! Oh, a sip! Will you help me out since I upgraded your whole existence?

WHAT?! You can’t be serious... you must be joking, right?! I command: Do not touch it! This... nectar of the gods, far too precious for mere mortals, proletariat. You have to find another solution!

Welcome back, I'm glad you followed this convenient light beam by god himself to meet again. I have to tell you, this rainy weather is unbearable! Dreary, damp, disgraceful. I may have commissioned this charming little cloud myself, to resemble my homeland, but it is starting to get on my nerves.

Yes, yes, I ordered it on YourPersonalisedWeather.com. Atmospheric nostalgia! But I didn’t specify eternal misery! At first, it was charming, but now I crave variety. I hear you’ve constructed a new residence for yourself. Perhaps you might transport me there. I could be usefull to your enterprise or at the very least serve as a masterpiece of interior refinement. Either way, it would greatly benefit us both.

I do possess exquisite taste, after all. I was surrounded by magnificent furniture throughout my formative years. I could offer you a few invaluable tips in exchange for a modest commission, of course.

Ah yes, this will do. Dry scales, I had almost forgotten this sensation! I hereby declare the climate of your home superior to my little Great Britain simulation cloud. Thank you. Hit me up if you need anything. I trade knowledge against tea.